I was gone, just like that. Painless, though. In fact, it was more than simply pain free, it was more than numb. It was…vibrational, purifying. It was thrilling. It was an ending, and it was an awakening. It was a death, and it was a birth.
When I say gone, perhaps that is too restrictive in language. Because how could I be gone when I am here? So let me clarify. I, Allison Walker, as I had always known myself to be was gone. Is gone, forever. I am now someone new, something new. Ally ended, and I began. And even that doesn’t fully explain it. I didn’t really begin as much as transformed, and took over a role… One that has existed since before time. Earth and human time, that is.
Let me explain as best I can in a way that you can understand.
That day in the shop, when I was on the floor… I can still see it in my mind’s eye as it happened. There I was, on the floor…. He took my hand. I felt a rush of peace and the pulse of an ancient power that is too hard to articulate. I saw him, I saw Des, and then I closed my eyes. That was the last thing that I, Ally Waller ever saw. When I opened my eyes again, I still saw them, still there…. But I was not seeing them through my own eyes anymore.
I watched the boy release my hand. He knelt down beside me, he sweetly kissed my forehead. I watched him walk away for a second time, and just as mysteriously as the first time on that day that seems so long ago, I watched him get smaller and smaller, until he disappeared. It felt like a dream, but it was no dream. It was surreal, yet I was fully aware that while it was fantastic, it was very real.
So I do not mean to be arrogant when I stated earlier that I had to explain it in a way that you can understand. These experiences have no human words, no existing comparison to which you can relate. You are, after all, only human.
While I am no longer Ally, I still have some of her in me. I have many of her memories, although they fade away very quickly. I have some of her emotions, but they feel more like a whisper of a feeling that I once had. Not a strong emotion, simply a shadowy reminder of it. It is pleasant, and allows me to remember the feeling without having a strong attachment to it. Almost as if I am reading about Ally in a book.
I still have the soul of Ally to some degree. I still here her favorite music in my head from time to time. Often, when I am doing my new job I hear a very specific song, one of her favorite classic rock songs and it makes me smile. Not because of what I have to do, but because there is a certain poetic irony to it all. In a weird way, Ally created the soundtrack to my new existence through her life and her pleasures.
So not to be overly dramatic, but… “Please allow me to introduce myself”. Did you hear it? Did you hear the Rolling Stones in your head? OK, first off, I am not the devil. Yet the song suits me. I have been around longer than I even know. Since the first life existed in the universe. I am eternal. However, I have only had this job, this everlasting existence, for a small window of time. I am told that I won’t have it forever, nor will I know when I am about to be retired. I am told that there are processes that I do not need to concern myself with. I just do my job, and enjoy this weird new world. My job, sounds so plebeian, so bourgeoisie. Yet I am the one person who strikes fear into the hearts of most humans. You pray I stay away. You beg me to not do my job, and you curse me when I do it.
You see, I am Death. I am known as the Grim Reaper, The Angel of Death, Shinigami, Thanatos, The Sandman, Mot, Yama, Santa Muerte and more. I come at the end of a life, and transport the dying person to the afterlife. Every day, I whisk souls through the light, and to the nexus of life.
Part of why I am sharing this with you, is that I want you to know death is not the end… I want you to not fear it. Just as you were born, you will die… and you will be born again, and die again. Humans fear this process because they cannot know what happens once they cross that line. And that is the human experience. So I am here to tell you… it is nothing to fear. Your soul has existed for all of eternity, and will always exist. Even I cannot kill a soul. All I really do is transport humans out of their failing vessel, and into the magnificent universe. Where I bring you cannot be described in your language because it simply lacks the nuance and structure to full explain it. I can only say it is like a blanket of love. A peaceful energy, a euphoric experience, a calming sense of joy. A sense of understanding and knowledge as cannot be imagined.
Which is why my job is well, actually enjoyable, which might be hard to imagine. The Grim Reaper digs her job? Yeah, pretty much. I still get to experience some of the earthly pleasures that Ally enjoyed. She is with me, and together we are having a unique experience in this vast universe. We learn things, we grow. I am never given all the information, just what it is that I need to know to do my job. There is an immense cosmic pool of knowledge beyond me, and from time to time, I get shown a tiny sliver of it.
The boy who changed my life in an instant, he had been death for more time than can be remembered. I am told that someone came to him in the same way, leading to his terror and confusion, just as I had felt. Then he transitioned and spent his existence carrying people through. Then his time was up, and it was my turn. I will do my job, and someday it will be someone else’s turn… Who knows, maybe you will be next?
It defies logic, I know. But that’s the way it has always been… or so I’m told.
